March 21. 2021

Please don’t think I can’t feel your questions. That somehow were so disconnected I can’t see what’s happening. I can feel it. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. And you know what, I’m defeated. I’ve been accused of many, many things over the last year. I’ve just finally gotten to the point that I truly can’t care anymore. You don’t want to be honest with me, to share the truth of our situation together. Fine. But why are you still here? I’m not trying to be combative or aggressive, I’m just wondering. Because I’m honestly confused. What is with the interest? Why can’t I fade away?

I know, that sounds crazy to people from the American culture. Fame is everything. Money, glory. Power. Yeah, I’m good without all that. I’m poor and miserable, it’s true. Fighting invisible demons, fighting myself. I don’t have the strength or energy to fight all of you too. I just don’t. Say what you want to say, think whatever it is that you think. I almost just said something cruel. No. I’m not going there. I’m angry and I’m sad. I’m mourning opportunities that will pass me by, why do you need to be apart of it? Why do we need to add salt?

I wasn’t lying, every word I’ve shared I’ve tried to be honest with. Every sentence came from my heart. The only thing I’ve ever asked for, the truth. And help. So good night, where ever you are tonight. May we find each other under better circumstances, not congruent ones. ✌️❤️

Yeah, that’s dramatic. Hello, it’s me. I’m Geoff. Dramatic. Af. I’m angry. So fucking angry. And hurt. And confused. And annoyed. I’m grateful for everything we’ve been through, but I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Yeah yeah, so I got some “attention”. But I didn’t. That’s the fucking thing. I’m annoyed and just want to let this fucking year go. Let it fall away in time. I’ve gained many lessons and I am stronger for it. Strong enough to know when it’s time. When everything in me is just done. Why fight? Why strive for anything when everything has been fucking exposed. Yeah, theoretically it should free me. It doesn’t.

I’m not a victim. I took an active roll in getting where we are. I never cared about money or clout, for a fucking platform to stand on. I just didn’t want to be fucking lied to anymore. I just wanted someone to be me. For me. Which is dumb. Because none of you are me. I had unreal expectations, and that burden sits on my shoulders. I have literally walked away from everything I once held dear in my life, I would have fucking walked away from my fucking brain if I could manage it. Just fucking let me be. What’s done is done, the past is set in stone. I’m just done.

Okay, no. That’s not conceded or anything of the fucking sort. How dare you for even going there. If there’s one fucking thing I’ve figured out, I’m pretty fucking special. Otherwise you would have most interest ages ago. Something keeps you connected. I can feel it. You can feel it. So let’s stop with that shit. Let’s stop fucking ragging on each other just to make ourselves feel better. We’re all pieces of fucking shit. Get it? There’s not a single person on the face of this planet that’s perfect. So stfu.

We’ve literally got deranged white men on killing sprees, racially targeted domestic terrorism, cops saying it’s “because he had a bad day”. Like gtfo. Oh, to add to it there are people who are upset with others because they’re not as vocal about these deaths as things were last year with the BLM movement. 😳 How the fuck can any of us criticize another for how they process and mourn? We’ve had AN OTHER mass murder in our “homeland”, and you have the fucking audacity to call out people for not being as vocally upset, and this is getting specific now to BIPOC creators? STFU. Let people fucking be. Why are so many of us still in the mindset that a performance of solidarity is necessary? Be upset. Be angry. Just don’t fucking turn on each other. That’s obviously not the answer. It hasn’t fucking worked for white supremacy, why fucking adopt a mindset we know is broken? I say it hasnt only because we’re here. There’s more people aware, talking about these issues. The bumps in the rug are not so easily swept away. Still no where near a hard wood floor. We’ve still got this moldy ass, shit stained rug to deal with.

Idk if that made sense to me, let alone you. But it’s whatever.

Also, no I’m not a BIPOC creator? Hello? I figured that was pretty obvious. I wasn’t talking about myself right then. Just felt the need to make that statement known. That was a little venting session. I’m still me…. I just don’t write about it. It stays upstairs in the ol’ noggin. But I felt compelled to share that. Again, I’m angry. It is what it is.