Evening.
It’s been a while. I get the sense that some feel as though I’m running or ghosting. Well, I’m not. I’m still right here. I don’t write as much, even though I wanted to start it back up. Why? It hasn’t felt right. I haven’t felt the push, the desire to bare my soul. Actually, I’ve been deep in some novels. I’ve been in my heart. Resting. Healing. And starting new adventures. The attention on me has relinquished, thank you.
I’m sitting here, in the heat of a summers evening and I’m okay. I’m not thriving but I’m not miserable. I’ll take it. I don’t know what to say. What is there to say that hasn’t been said already? There are things going on in our world that need to be talked about, sure. There are always going to be things. I’m not responsible for discussing them all the time. Actually, I haven’t been for quite some time. I’ve let my audience slip from my hands. But I think I’m okay with that for now. I’m okay with slipping into the shadows on the public’s eye. Y’all know way too much about me already.
I may never have fortune or fame and I’ve come to a place where that’s alright with me. When I was younger I would dream of it; I could feel the burning desire in the depths of my being. I wanted to be loved. Admired. Praised. But I’ve learned a thing or two since I was young; I will never find what I was looking for from anyone else. It’s something I have to find within me. Yep. Cheesy. But it’s true. You’ve taught me that. As desperately as I’ve begged you for acknowledgment and all I’ve gotten are crickets. Well some messages and such, but never anything direct. Never what I was looking for. And that was my problem, I was looking for me in you. And that’s just toxic af.
Ever since this journey began, when I started following self help gurus and therapists, healers and prophets, there has been a message that was repeated over and over. It’s taken a LONG time for it to sink into my thick skull, but I think I’m finally starting to see the light. Thank you for your diligence. Thank you for your guidance. I dont know if we’ll ever meet in person, if we do I’ll be really awkward and have no idea how. I can’t even type anymore. My body is like nope. Stfu.
I will never be the man you want me to be. I can’t be. I’m me. Good bad and ugly. And I won’t change that to fit the mold you want me squeeze into. I’m larger than life and smaller than an ant. I’m dynamic. I can be mute. I’m a whole mess of things, but like a good contour, it’s a mess of splotches and lines until it all comes together. and I’m still coming together.
So I hope you are doing well. I hope that we’ve learned together and that we’ve grown. That we will continue to grow until we’re all beautiful butterflies. Yeah, this is not my best work. 🤷♂️
I love you, you beautiful bitch. ❤️